caught.

I just said goodbye to two of my best friends. And the likeliness is that I won't see them for the whole 3 weeks we're off for break.

It's funny...I never thought I would feel this way. Caught.
When I'm here, I miss home. But when I'm home, I'm itching to come back here.
When I'm here, I miss my family. But when I'm home, I miss my family.
It's not that I don't feel like I have a home, the problem is that I have two homes.

Who knew that the people you're with pretty much 24/7 would become vital parts of you.
Kate was gone for 5 days last week due to some unfortunate events and I missed her like crazy.
When Ry isn't around for 2 days, the next time I see him, I feel like it's been forever.
Liz and I share a brain.
Karen is just as crazy as I am, maybe more...
Carol and I live 15 minutes from one another, but NEVER get together over breaks.

I don't know. I've done it before, so I can do it again, and of course God's on my side and He's the only thing I need, yaddah yaddah...but He put these people, my family, in my life, and it's really hard to say goodbye.

seriously, I'm so blessed to be Catholic

I feel like the title says it all...and I really don't have much else to add.

God is good.

Might seem super obvious, but really, when was the last time you sat and thought about all the ways that He is SO good to us? I tend to do this a lot, but tonight He really revealed to me how immense His love is for us. And we should be bowing down before Him constantly.

Maybe that isn't feasible, since we do have other responsibilities to attend to, but for real. If we really believe that what we believe is really real, that's all we would be able to do. Nothing would be able to keep us from leaving that chapel.

But yeah, God is great. He's really good at leading you, if you only trust in Him to take care of you. And let me tell you, it's a really good feeling once you allow Him to have complete control over your life. It's definitely not easy, but once you get to that point, it's simply amazing.

And it's really late. I should go to bed. Prudence. :/

Iron Mike

Michael is the 3rd child in our family, used to be this cute little blonde-haired boy, but he's grown into a handsome, TALL, funny young man. And I love him a whole lot.

Mike and I have always gotten along pretty well, or at least I'm really good at blocking out all the times we weren't getting along. But especially in these past couple years, since I left for school, we've grown closer. Some of this may be due to me moving away to school, but regardless, our relationship is much better than it was when I was in high school.

He has always been a really sweet, genuine child. From the time when he was very young, Michael was the most sincere and adorable little kid you'd ever met. On Sunday mornings, my mom would come down the stairs and he would be in the kitchen waiting to get in the car and he would look up at our mom with those big blue eyes and say "Oh, Mommy...you're beautiful!" Such a sweetheart! And now, if I call home to talk to everyone, he is guaranteed to say how much he misses me and can't wait for me to come home. Adorable!

He came down with my parents this weekend for the dedication mass of the center [AMAZING! post to follow] and oh my goodness. I swear, that kid has grown about a foot since I last saw him! He has to be close to 6'4'' now! He's at least 6'3'', but he seems to be growing by the minute! And he's as fit and slim as a pole. AND so cute. Like really, I'm not biased because he's my brother...he's just a really good looking young man.

And he's funny. Sometimes Mike'll just say something, not meaning for it to be funny, but it's just hilarious. And he's so darn cute that he's just funny in the ways he says things sometimes. Dang I love my biggest little brother.

t-bird

This post is dedicated entirely to my youngest sibling, and only sister, which is why I can say that she is my favorite sister :]

T-Beara. T-bird. little T. Terrorizer. little bit. my sister.

Tara has a special place in my heart, not just because she's the little kid and I love her to death, but because I so desperately wanted a little sister after living the first 6 years of my life with 2 brothers. Don't get me wrong, I love my brothers, but c'mon! Everyone wants a sister! :]

My parents told us that they were pregnant and I remember being so excited. I was FINALLY going to get my baby sister! From a very young age I always loved babies and when Tommy and Michael were born, I was so excited and loved them so very much, but at that age, couldn't really retain those memories, but NOW I was going to have a little sister and I could dress her, play with her and love her a whole lot!

Now, you need to understand that my parents never found out the sex of the baby before he/she was born. They figured that there are so little surprises left in this day and age, that waiting in anticipation for the birth of a child and not knowing what you'll end up with, just praying that it is healthy, is one of the GOOD surprises in life. Yet, no matter how many times they told me throughout the pregnancy, I was convinced that I was going to get my baby sister.

My mom went in to be induced a few days after the due date, and us kids went to stay with a family friend for the day. The whole day I was practicing my cartwheel so that when we got the call that I had a baby sister, I could do one in excitement. And yet, the day came and went, and no baby. I was SO mad. I wanted my baby sister! A week or so later goes by and my mom goes into labor and what do you know! A girl! Told 'em.

So from the very beginning, I've loved Tara. And as she grows older [now a 14 year old freshman in high school!], it's becoming more and more fun to hangout with her and become more than sisters, but friends also.

Let me tell you, this kid is funny. She cracks me up. When she was little, Tara used to give us "smoochie kisses" before bed. She would hold onto your face with two hands and give you a long, wet smooch right on the lips. Complete with sound effects. And this was when she was about 3 years old...hilarious. Now, she's over that stage, thank God, but she's still as funny as ever.

I haven't been home since the summer [Thanksgiving will be the first time being home] but I've heard that not only does she miss me a whole lot, but she's stepped in my shoes as terrorizer of the household, making sure to keep our dad in line by teasing him a whole lot. I've taught her well.

And she shares my love for babies, which is awesome. I love her a lot and can't wait to see her so soon!!!

I LOVE MY FAMILY!!

I get to see my family in tminus 9 hours.

Getting pumped up.

Oh, and a sidenote, at the dedication mass tomorrow, I will be serving as a vimp, AKA personal attendant to Bishop Jenky. holla!

I love being Catholic. And my fam. :]

my little docker



born to be wild!



Tommy. Where to begin...



I am the oldest of four, but at one time, it was just Tommy and I. He was such a cute little kid, but I'm not going to pretend like I remember that from when I was one and a half years old. 



But regardless, that hasn't changed. He was and still is a cute kid. Adult. Young adult? Strange. He's 18 now, soon to be 19, so I suppose that qualifies him as a young adult.

Anyways, Tommy is a genius. Literally. Like, he loves math and science, and that may make him sound like a total nerd, but in reality, he's really "normal". Get him going on a rant about why something causes something else, and good luck to you, but other than that, he's just a regular 18 year old guy. I honestly am so proud to be his sister. He can pump out numbers, etc but in addition, he's HILARIOUS. I swear. No one can make me laugh like my little brother. He's a crack up. Like, he'll send me these texts sometimes that will make me laugh in the middle of class or wherever I am. Now, they're usually inappropriate, but funny nonetheless. lol

Tommy is also one of the only people [or maybe THE only] person who will tell things to me straight. Especially when it comes to guy stuff. I have the tendency to get wrapped up in my emotions and delusions [like most women], and he'll always bring me back to planet Earth if need be. I have other friends who will sugar coat things to me in order to not hurt my feelings, but he knows that at the end of the day, it is better that I know the truth rather than live in a fantasy world of what I think is going on with a guy I like.



Tommy and I with our cousin Rebecca

 Also, this just came to my mind, but Tommy is going to be a great father. Obviously, he's going to have to graduate and get his masters and doctorate before getting married, but THEN he'll be a great dad. He loves kids and it's really funny to watch him interact with little kids. I think that's the best way to see how a guy is going to be as a father. Most men can figure it out and be good dads with practice, but then there are the men who are just naturals. Tommy is one of those guys. Just sayin.


Also, we survived a 12 hour Greyhound trip from Alexandria, MN to Chicago, IL. Two siblings can become really close over that amount of time. Not to mention the week following when we lived by ourselves together at home while the rest of our family was still on vacation.
Ok, and now I really miss him. Maybe this was a bad idea, but whatever, it's done now. By the way, these are just surface reasons why I love Tommy. He is much more than a funny, smart, straightforward, wonderful future-dad. MUCH more. But these are the things that come to mind right now.

I can't wait until break when he and I can have our getting-ready-for-bed-in-the-bathroom chats.

Can't. Wait. :]

you make me smile :]

Watch this movie.

I'm actually not in a really happy mood, contary to this post's title, but looking towards the future does make me smile.

I realized today that these school breaks are going to be very different for a couple of reasons:

1. I have not been home this entire semester, and while I always appreciate being home with my family, more than ever am I really, truly homesick. Sometimes when talking about going home, I get choked up and really miss my family a whole lot.

2. Now that Tommy is in college too, we'll be home for Thanksgiving and Christmas break together...Thanksgiving will be a big deal, but he's only going to be home for Wednesday thru Saturday. But then for Christmas break, he's not going to be in school while I'm home, like the past 2 years! We can hang out and talk and be friends. I'm really excited.

This just inspired me to start a series of blogs devoted entirely to my siblings. Maybe I'll start tonight? Yes.

just dance

I think my friends and I are magnets for awkward situations. It seems surreal, but seriously, awkward/funny/weird things ALWAYS happen to us!

We had a Halloween party last night, which was meant to be a pretty big party, but we only invited people that we knew and didn't really expect too many people to bring/invite random people. We mainly did this because if there was an issue with people being too rowdy or loud or something, we would have a lot easier time settling down/kicking out someone we're friends with compared to some random dude no one knows.

While there were no issues of that nature [thank God], within the first 15 mins of the party, barely anyone was there, and all of the sudden some random guy walks in. He starts introducing himself to everyone and one of our friends mentioned that he looked familiar from the Newman center or something, but it was so awkward. He walked around our apartment looking at our art and stuff asking questions, or randomly following one of us into our bedrooms...after about 30 mins, he left but oh my gosh. It was awkward.

The rest of the party went really well, there weren't really any major issues or any more awkward situations, but that one sticks out. Also, I realized that as nice it was to not have to go anywhere and then walk home at like 2:30am, I really didn't enjoy hosting a big party. We rearranged the whole apartment and cleaned and decorated, and by the time all that was over, the party hadn't even begun and all I wanted was a nap! And then the whole night I was watching everyone worrying that they were having a good time..I guess it's mainly my own fault, that I need to just chill and have a good time, but my roommate was worried that the cops were going to get called for noise, so there was that concern in the back of my head. I don't know...it's not that I'll never have another big party, we have three 21st birthdays coming up in the next few months, so there'll likely be parties for those, but it wasn't as fun as I expected. :/ Oh well.

Tonight we're just going to a friends to hangout and party in a smaller group, so that will probably be more fun because I can just relax and have a good time. Nice.

facebook

Facebook is meant to help everyone stay connected and updated, etc...but for me, it just causes an unnecessary stress. I'm on a Facebook fast until further notice...and without prior notice. I just decided this last night before I fell asleep...went on this morning before work, and then when I got home, had my roommate change my password and the email address associated with my account. This way I can neither change my mind and log on nor send a "recover my password" email to my email account. woot.

Facebook is good for many things, but it is also a trap. It sucks you in and you can't get out. And it causes you to be a super creepy stalker. Not good.

So, adios Facebook, see you never? Not really, but we won't be friends for a very long time.

fruits are worth the labor

Today was slightly frustrating, to say the least. My friends and I are part of a group at Newman that puts on confirmation retreats for 8th graders/kids who are about to make their confirmation. I've only done one before, but in high school I always liked working with kids and teaching them about our faith. Their usually very attentive and respectful [they tend to think we're really cool] and we have a great time. So, naturally, we were expecting the same with today's group.

So, we started with mass at Newman and then trekked over to the parish center for the retreat. Boy were we in for a surprise. From the second we walked into the community room, I knew that this was going to be a rough day. It's hard when you have a group of kids that is really quiet and doesn't like to contribute to discussion, etc. but it's even worse when you have a rowdy group that is really rude and disrespectful of us leaders. We had a SUPER rowdy group today. Oiy.

Basically, the whole day was really hard to get through...not only because we had all gotten up really early to be to Newman by 8:15A, but mostly because it is so exhausting asking a group of 80 thirteen year olds to be quiet over and over again. It got to the point where I didn't know what else to do. I just started feeling really defeated.

But at lunch time, I talked with the adult coordinator for the 8th grade confirmation formation and she said that there was a group of 3 girls who specifically come up to her and said how inspirational the day was. That was so great to hear because after such trouble with the majority of the group, the thought that at least a couple people had gotten something, ANYTHING, out of the 5hrs we spent together is worth it.

At the end of the day we split up into 2 groups, boys and girls, and had some time to just talk about whatever. If anyone had questions, they were welcome to ask and we would answer. Although most of the time was spend discussing Heaven, Hell and Purgatory, I feel like they got a lot out of talking to us. Some of the other girls were discouraged because we hadn't discussed anything pertinent to their everyday lives, like high school, boys, etc. But in my eyes, they really understood what we were talking about and were engaged in the conversation. Most of the time, all it takes is for a couple topics to hook people, and then everything else starts to fall into place.

As much as this day was a test of our strength of mind, body and spirit, it was worth it. All is needed is for a seed to be planted, you may never see the fruits of your labor, but you can feel good knowing that the seed is there to eventually grow and bloom.

learning how to learn

I had another realization today as I was leaving my Morality class [that's not the actual name for it, it's called Rights and Wrongs, but all we ever talk about is morality, thus why I call it that...]. But anyways...I was walking towards my Cognition class and trying to fight the temptation to skip my last 2 classes in order to take a nap before work. But don't worry, I was a good student and went to class. The reason, however, why I made the conscious decision to not skip anymore classes this semester [or ever] was because it just hit me that everyone keeps telling me that these college that I am living through right now [eek!!!] will be some of the best years of your life. Most of the time though, I feel like we're all just trudging through these years trying to "get through" school and get on with our "lives". WHAT THE HECK?! I should be so fired up to go to class and LEARN! Granted, I have about 4 more years of school left before I'm in the real "real world", but still! After you graduate, except for maybe occasional work-mandated lessons, this is our last chance to soak up as much knowledge as possible!

I'll be honest, this semester I somewhat hate 2 of my classes. I'm in the lastof my gen ed courses, The Culture of War and Rights and Wrongs. Not that these aren't "intriguing" classes, but I am so eager to just learn about things that pertain to my goal in life [marriage and family counseling], that I find it very hard to pay attention in these classes! But even so, they still contain information that I should be paying attention to!

So, long story [it's not really that long, but it was an extensive discussion in my head that I won't subject you to] short, for the rest of the day, I was intent on maintaining my focus, and was fairly successful! I find that anything can be interesting if you're only open to listening.

*****DISCLAIMER*****

 I don't skip a lot of classes. This entire semester, I may have skipped each class [except for my Personality class, I NEVER skip that one] once. But, I really try not to do this because on MWF, my first 2 classes are the gen eds, and while they are definitely the ones I would like to skip, both teachers take attendance. And then my last 2 classes are Cognition and Human Sexuality, I don't want to skip either because they're major classes and
a) Cognition doesn't post notes online, so I'm SOL if I miss class
and
 b) Human Sexuality is so super interesting I never want to miss one of those lectures![the only one I ever missed was the day we were talking about abortion, lets just say I'm not too sad I missed that lecture]

detox

This weekend was full of a lot of healing, love and epiphanies.

The Newman center has a semesterly retreat called Koinonia, and this past weekend was when the fall semester one was held. There have been a lot of changes made to it in the past year and a half and all of the changes, big and small, have been stressful for us older students to become accustomed to. However, instead of being open and willing to see where the Lord is taking us, most of us have resisted change as much as possible and I feel we've been a really bad example for the younger students. After all, this is all they've ever known and they love it, so what right do we have to ruin their peace?

Anyways, I wasn't a leader on NK41, but all my roommates were and most of my friends as well, so the stress that they felt was somewhat transferred to me. I was freaking out about the weekend for numerous reasons, but mostly because I was worried that there would be too many hours of Adoration and that it would be overwhelming for the protestants attending the retreat. Shows how much I know.

We had adoration with many of the community members and it was amazing to watch the retreatants' hearts transform before my eyes and all I could think was how stupid I am to not trust wholly in the Lord and in His plans for us.

On a similar tangent, one of my roommates and I listened to a FOCUS (Fellowship Of Catholic University Students) talk all about women and how we tend to try to fill the space in our heart meant for our future husband with random guys who we "fall in love with" everyday without being concerned with guarding our hearts. Oh man. I felt like that entire talk was directed towards me. I frequently refer to myself as a crazy person, [which I'm trying to stop] but I realized that it isn't that I'm crazy, it is that I have this immense capacity to love, and that's how I was made!

I long to know my future husband; to love him, to cherish him, to take care of him! But, until I meet him, I need to fill this void in my heart with the Lord, rather than in "emotional mental relationships" [you and the object of your affection are in an emotional relationship in your head, but he doesn't know it because it in fact does not exist].

So, now, how to change my ways? Ugh. Old habits die hard. I now fully understand and appreciate what that saying means. Well, there are a couple of steps:

1. Revert back to my old way of seeing men. I used to try to view all men as brothers in Christ. Not as a prospective relationship, etc. Just a brother in Christ. Period.

2. Fill the void in my heart with the Lord through prayer and sacraments. He already occupies the majority of my heart, but until He reveals to me who I am to spend the rest of my life with, He needs to be my everything. All my love, all my hope, and all my joy.

3. Become okay with being single. I mean, it isn't that I am unhappy being single, but it is very hard sometimes to not wish you had "someone" when your roommates are either in a long-term relationship, or are in the process of figuring things out with someone. I need to become content with how my life is right now.

4. TRUST that the Lord has everything under control. I knew I struggled with this before my epiphany, but now, more than ever do I actually need to implement this into my life!

5. Love. Just love. Life, friends, school, family, EVERYTHING.

So we'll see how this goes...don't worry, all you people who don't read my blog will be informed on a regular basis about how I am doing. :]

the problem with "forgive and forget"

I had a whole thing written out that I wanted to post about an awkward and somewhat unnerving event that happened to me tonight, but I'm going to refrain for now.

But I do have one thing to talk about tonight. We've all heard that saying "forgive and forget". Yes, we are all called to forgive, forgive and forgive. And then after you forgive, forgive once again.

But forget? I'm not so sure. For me, I always forgive. It may take me a long time...years, even, but eventually I forgive. Forget is what I struggle with, but I don't think that's a bad thing. I think a better phrase is "forgive and proceed with caution".

Forgetting implies that you entirely wipe out any memory of someone doing you wrong. Forgetting implies that regardless of what a person has done, you should treat them with the regard that that event never happened. No. Don't forget. Remember what has happened in the past, but don't dwell on it. Don't hold that wrongdoing over the person's head. Don't distrust them, but be wary/cautious until you feel you can trust that person once again.

The Lord calls us to be loving to our neighbors. But He doesn't call us to be stupid. A dog will go back to his owner again and again after being chastised. But we were made higher than animals for a reason. After being wronged, we are called to forgive, not to throw ourselves back into the same situation as we were in before.

Perhaps this does call for a tiny bit of forgetting, but remembering what we did last time that got us into this situation and change that. I'm not saying that we shouldn't trust people, but that we need to remember that not everyone is pure-hearted and until you know the intentions of someones heart, you need to be cautious.

Now I just need to read the above over and over until I learn to practice what I preach :]

embrace the awkwardness?

I really hate awkward situations.

Well, that's not entirely true. I don't mind awkward silences when it's between me and a friend who also is aware of the awkwardness...I feel at that point the silence is no longer awkward, but comfortable. Sometimes.

And I don't mind awkward situations like when I have to tell someone that they need to wear something more appropriate to mass. I'm one of the sacristans at SRBCNC and so if one of the liturgical ministers is wearing clothing that reveals too much, then I'm usually the one who volunteers to talk to the person...granted, I can't remember the last time that happened, but I really don't mind it...especially since I know going into the conversation that it's going to be awkward, so I'm prepared for it.

The awkwardness I don't like is the kind when you go up to someone and introduce yourself and try to make small talk and eventually run out of things to ask/say. It's not always the case that they're boring and don't have much to contribute to a conversation, or that they really just don't want to talk to you...but usually just that you both recognize that the conversation has become awkward because you're just standing there looking at the wall, ceiling, floor, anything besides each other...

But maybe these situations are a lesson in disguise? You know those people who when you first meet them they're just very welcoming and friendly and you never feel awkward around them for whatever reason? Maybe it's their inner self-confidence coming to the surface, or maybe it's that they really are interested in what you have to say, or maybe it's that they constantly have something to talk about. I'm not sure, but the people I'm thinking of right now also happen to be the people who when you first meet them, you instantly want to be friends with them. You're not always sure what it is about them that makes their friendship seem so intriguing, but it's there and you want to be a part of it.

well, that's my rant for today...I strongly doubt that anyone has ever read these posts..which is alright with me. I have this crazy dream that someday my blog will be super popular and people will read it everyday because I write such profound, yet witty, posts. There's just one problem with that...I'm not that witty :]

born to be wild

I just wanna be bad.

blow off some firecrackers, TP a house, go crazy. SOMETHING.

This has been the topic of my apartment for quite some time...I feel like all we do is homework and hangout. Granted, only one of us is of drinking age, so karaoke bars, etc are out of the question, but I'm so bored!!! Last weekend we actually did some fun stuff...ran a 5K with our newman center, had a bbq/concert thing...and then ended off the day with a roadtrip to U of I where we got lost and were almost eaten by coyotes. Good times.

That's good and all, but I feel like I need I WANT that constant rush of adrenaline!

Today, in my Culture of War class, we were talking about "The Lust of the Eye". You may recognize this from the Bible, but the author of the book we are reading talks in depth on this subject. One of the parts of the lust of the eye that he identifies is the "Delight in Destruction" and my professor asked who out of us would like to blow something up right now. As expected, all of the people who raised their hands, minus one, were guys. And no, that one girl who raised her hand was not me. But I wanted to. I really think it would be great fun to go shoot off some fireworks, or bottlerockets, or whatever they're called! The fire, the noise, the smoke, the thrill!!!

Actually, what I REALLY want to do right now is jump in a car [preferably a convertible] and drive somewhere...maybe CA? CO? Mexico? I don't really care, I just want to get out, do something. NOW.

But no. I'm a student. I have class. I have to be at work in t-minus 30 mins. But I will do something. ANYTHING. eventually.

maybe I'll become a runner....

danger zone

My kitchen is a danger zone. With 4 girls living here, it would be expected to be a little messy sometimes, but lately it's just been driving me crazy. We're all super busy, but I can't remember the last time we had an empty dishwasher AND empty sink. The floor is gross, so I avoid looking at it. I wipe down the counters as often as possible, but there's always crap all over the place. Aggravating. I'm to blame as well, I just wish we all weren't as busy as we are and could take the time to clean on a regular basis.

Also, I didn't know mold could grow in the fridge...apparently it can. I had a tupperware container with spaghetti sauce in it because one of my roommates is an art major and she needed the jar for her oil brushes [or something artsy like that]. So, being the nice roomie I am, I gave her my jar and put the sauce in a tupperware. bad idea.

I think that glass jars are meant to keep things fresh [like sauce] for a while...but because my tupperware was in the back of the fridge, I saw it every now and then, but didn't ever use it up...and now? gross. mold.

I just kind of looked at it this morning and thought to myself "well that's gross...I'll deal with it later." But finally I got up the guts this afternoon to clean it out. Oh my gosh. The was one of the most disgusting things I've ever seen....it didn't really smell, but there were little growths all over the place.

It's times like these when I miss living at home full time. If this had happened at home, my mom would have taken care of it...but because I'm an "adult" now..I have to do it. dang it.

I think I like this blogging thing...but it's still too soon to know for sure...





maybe his sauce had mold in it too? :]

here we go...

I used to have a blog. But apparently it doesn't exist anymore.

I figure that it's alright though, new blog, new thoughts, etc.

I know no one is going to read this, but I still feel that maybe this could be good to have some of my ideas and struggles out there, maybe someday someone will stumble over these posts and something will help them. That'd be cool.

umm yeah. I feel awkward now. I think that's all for today? yeah....

this picture perfectly captures fall for me...and I wish I could sit under that tree and ponder deep things...