detox

This weekend was full of a lot of healing, love and epiphanies.

The Newman center has a semesterly retreat called Koinonia, and this past weekend was when the fall semester one was held. There have been a lot of changes made to it in the past year and a half and all of the changes, big and small, have been stressful for us older students to become accustomed to. However, instead of being open and willing to see where the Lord is taking us, most of us have resisted change as much as possible and I feel we've been a really bad example for the younger students. After all, this is all they've ever known and they love it, so what right do we have to ruin their peace?

Anyways, I wasn't a leader on NK41, but all my roommates were and most of my friends as well, so the stress that they felt was somewhat transferred to me. I was freaking out about the weekend for numerous reasons, but mostly because I was worried that there would be too many hours of Adoration and that it would be overwhelming for the protestants attending the retreat. Shows how much I know.

We had adoration with many of the community members and it was amazing to watch the retreatants' hearts transform before my eyes and all I could think was how stupid I am to not trust wholly in the Lord and in His plans for us.

On a similar tangent, one of my roommates and I listened to a FOCUS (Fellowship Of Catholic University Students) talk all about women and how we tend to try to fill the space in our heart meant for our future husband with random guys who we "fall in love with" everyday without being concerned with guarding our hearts. Oh man. I felt like that entire talk was directed towards me. I frequently refer to myself as a crazy person, [which I'm trying to stop] but I realized that it isn't that I'm crazy, it is that I have this immense capacity to love, and that's how I was made!

I long to know my future husband; to love him, to cherish him, to take care of him! But, until I meet him, I need to fill this void in my heart with the Lord, rather than in "emotional mental relationships" [you and the object of your affection are in an emotional relationship in your head, but he doesn't know it because it in fact does not exist].

So, now, how to change my ways? Ugh. Old habits die hard. I now fully understand and appreciate what that saying means. Well, there are a couple of steps:

1. Revert back to my old way of seeing men. I used to try to view all men as brothers in Christ. Not as a prospective relationship, etc. Just a brother in Christ. Period.

2. Fill the void in my heart with the Lord through prayer and sacraments. He already occupies the majority of my heart, but until He reveals to me who I am to spend the rest of my life with, He needs to be my everything. All my love, all my hope, and all my joy.

3. Become okay with being single. I mean, it isn't that I am unhappy being single, but it is very hard sometimes to not wish you had "someone" when your roommates are either in a long-term relationship, or are in the process of figuring things out with someone. I need to become content with how my life is right now.

4. TRUST that the Lord has everything under control. I knew I struggled with this before my epiphany, but now, more than ever do I actually need to implement this into my life!

5. Love. Just love. Life, friends, school, family, EVERYTHING.

So we'll see how this goes...don't worry, all you people who don't read my blog will be informed on a regular basis about how I am doing. :]

the problem with "forgive and forget"

I had a whole thing written out that I wanted to post about an awkward and somewhat unnerving event that happened to me tonight, but I'm going to refrain for now.

But I do have one thing to talk about tonight. We've all heard that saying "forgive and forget". Yes, we are all called to forgive, forgive and forgive. And then after you forgive, forgive once again.

But forget? I'm not so sure. For me, I always forgive. It may take me a long time...years, even, but eventually I forgive. Forget is what I struggle with, but I don't think that's a bad thing. I think a better phrase is "forgive and proceed with caution".

Forgetting implies that you entirely wipe out any memory of someone doing you wrong. Forgetting implies that regardless of what a person has done, you should treat them with the regard that that event never happened. No. Don't forget. Remember what has happened in the past, but don't dwell on it. Don't hold that wrongdoing over the person's head. Don't distrust them, but be wary/cautious until you feel you can trust that person once again.

The Lord calls us to be loving to our neighbors. But He doesn't call us to be stupid. A dog will go back to his owner again and again after being chastised. But we were made higher than animals for a reason. After being wronged, we are called to forgive, not to throw ourselves back into the same situation as we were in before.

Perhaps this does call for a tiny bit of forgetting, but remembering what we did last time that got us into this situation and change that. I'm not saying that we shouldn't trust people, but that we need to remember that not everyone is pure-hearted and until you know the intentions of someones heart, you need to be cautious.

Now I just need to read the above over and over until I learn to practice what I preach :]