Not Alone Series: Online Dating Dos and Don'ts

Welcome back to another NAS Tuesday! I hope you had a chance to see some of my and Jen's adventure in Boston! We had the absolutely BEST time at CatholicTV! Check out my Twitter and Instagram for more :) And if you're joining us for the first time reading or linking up, welcome!!

Not all of us have jumped into the world of online dating, but many of us have! What are those things that we should AND shouldn't do?! If someone you know is considering online dating, how would you encourage him/her? What advice do you have?

This week's prompt is an interesting one and one that not everyone can necessary weigh in on. Surely, not everyone has tried online dating, but it does seem to be popular these days and is certainly a common topic of discussion in our NAS Facebook group!

I haven't come out and said anything on this here blog yet, but I can speak on this topic because, yes, I recently joined the online dating world. Sometime in May, after some prayer and a lot of "why the heck not"s, I signed up for CatholicMatch. I have a lot of friends (both blogging and IRL) who have tried various dating sites with various results...many of those results being successful. And by successful I mean either serious relationships or engagements.

So, what I have I learned these past 4ish months since trying out CM? While I might still be a rookie in online dating, I have definitely learned A LOT. So here are some of my tips...

DO try it out.

If you want. If you're curious. I decided that I didn't have a whole lot to lose, and if I'm truly open to however God wants to bring my future husband and I together, then why not try to open every door possible? The worst that can happen is...nothing. But at least you were open to the possibilities!

DON'T put all your eggs in one basket.

Online dating is not the end-all-be-all. It is not the cure for singleness. It is a tool that could potentially help you meet a "special someone" (if I hear/read that phrase one more time...). But don't expect a dating site to "fix" your love life. Be open to other possibilities and don't stop living your life.

DO be honest with yourself and potential suitors.

If there is a fundamental reason you think this guy who messaged you is not a good fit, that is ok. You don't have to be attracted to every single person who makes contact! Just be sure to message him back with a simple "thanks for reaching out, but I don't think I see anything more than friendship...best wishes for your future." No huge explanation necessary. Believe me, he'll likely thank you for your honesty.

DON'T be perturbed by the thought of someone you're interested in talking to other women.

Look, this is just the way things go. On a site like CatholicMatch, there are literally thousands of guys. In order to sort through them all, you will likely be talking/messaging/chatting with multiple men at one point or another. So, it's extremely likely that someone you're getting to know is also getting to know other women. Even men serious about finding their future wife will likely be in contact with multiple women.

DO keep your pictures current and high quality!

This might sound obvious, but this is so essential! Make sure you find a pic that was taken in good lighting, and that it's one that shows your "true" self. By this I mean your sweet smile, silly humor, or what have you.

DON'T be afraid to initiate contact.

Now, before Cindy protests, allow me to explain ;) Ladies, we want a man to pursue. How he acts early on in the relationship is an indicator of how he will act throughout. However, I think that viewing profiles, taking interviews, or mayyybe even sending emotigrams are perfectly acceptable. (these are all CM specific things, which is the only site I can speak to, sorry!) I draw the line at long introductory messages with 10 questions. The way I see it, a "view" is like a glance across the bar, taking interview questions is similar to a friend telling a guy about you, and an emotigram is like a smile or saying "hi". Now, I don't use emotigrams often because I think they're corny and annoying....but hey, whatever floats your boat. :) 

DO fill out every section of your profile.

If you're going to pay to be on a dating site, make sure you get the most out of it. Fill out the questions completely so anyone viewing your profile gets a good idea of what you're all about.

DON'T keep a relationship online.

By this I mean if you're within visiting distance, meet up if possible. This hasn't been possible for the guys I've gotten to know, but then move the conversation from online to as personal as possible...and soon. Use Cindy's tips on how to suggest this without leading and do this as soon as you feel comfortable. The sooner you make contact more than just email, the easier it will be to discern if you actually get along with the guy you're talking with.

DO continue to be "picky".

Just because you're giving online dating a go doesn't mean that you're desperate. It doesn't mean your standards have changed. If you've joined CatholicMatch or Christian Mingle or some other faith-based site...keep that standard. I've noticed a ton of guys on CM who only agree with 2-3 of the 7 Catholic faith questions. Mmmmm I'm gonna wait for a 7/7. After all, I joined CATHOLICMatch for a reason.

I can't wait to read everyone else's advice and perspectives! Knowing how diverse our opinions can be, I expect a good discussion for this topic as well :)

What do you think about online dating? What are your tips and tricks? Dos and Don'ts? Write a post and link up below!

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Next week's topic:

Courtship vs. Dating

It might be easy to say that the pursuit of marriage is the purpose of dating (aka courtship). But, that's not how our culture views dating. Does viewing the person you're dating as a potential spouse add unnecessary pressure on the relationship? In your opinion, is there a difference between dating and courtship? If so, what are those differences? 

9/30: Our Makeup Routines
What are your thoughts on wearing make up? Do you see a tension between a pressure from society and a God-given desire to be and make life beautiful? Is your use of make up compatible with the idea that God sees you as naturally beautiful? (Thanks to Bek!)

10/7: Rosary + Single Life
October is dedicated to the Holy Rosary, so we wanted to honor Mary and reflect on her help during this time of singleness. How have you called on her intercession before? What is your relationship with our Blessed Mother like? If you don't know much about Mary or the Rosary, is there something keeping you from getting to know her?

10/14: Modesty
Continuing on our reflections about our make up routines, let's chat about modesty! What does modesty mean to you? Does it just involve the clothes you wear and how you wear them? What about the things you say or do? In what ways can we improve our overall modesty?

Making Friends as an Adult

Back in the day, the NAS ladies linked-up posts talking about building real-life community. At that time, I was in one of my blogging ruts (read: like always) and neglected that topic. Mea culpa.

Well, I've been thinking about this exact topic for...oh, probably more than 2 years. No joke.

You see, when college graduation is rapidly approaching and you realize that no matter where you go, you'll need to start from scratch in the friend department...eek! Cue freak out mode!!

When I graduated from college a little more than 2 years ago, I moved to a city only 45 minutes from where I went to school, but I was going to be living with people I didn't know, in a city where I knew few people, setting out of this journey we call "adulthood".

Within the first 6 months, I had moved twice, got used to two different batches of roommates, and readjusted to 2 different "seasons" of my work (summer and school year...very different levels of crazy!). So it took a solid 9 months before I realized "huh...it would be nice to make some friends my own age."

I work with college students all day, who I love, but adult friendships are essential to filling my social tank. And at the time, I lived with 4 other women, so for a while I just relied on that internal community to suffice...but it wasn't enough for my ENFP personality type.

After doing some searching around for young adult communities and activities available through the local parishes, I became discouraged. There was very little to offer. A couple of communities existed, but weren't what I was looking for. I just wanted to have a social community that could potentially lead to deeper events (bible studies, talk series, etc.), but I believe that building friendships is the essential first step.

So I was left with this dilemma: What the heck?! Where are all the young people?! Single, married, didn't matter to me...I want to be your friend! In college it was so easy to make friends! Dorms are natural places to meet new people, plus the hundreds of clubs and interest groups were perfect places to make friends. I found met most of my close friends through the Newman Center...but where was the adult version of this?!

these ladies are some of my best friends from college....where were the people like them?!
photo circa senior year spring break in Gulf Shores, AL

It's almost funny to look back and remember where I was a year ago: frustrated after meeting with my (former) pastor who told me that single people and married people can't be friends because they can't relate to each other (not true, by the way) and simply wanting to build some holy friendships with people who would build me up as a person and vice versa.

But it's not really funny, because this is a very real reality for many young adults who struggle to build friendships in post-college life.

Today, I have (THANK GOD!) a thriving social life and a group of friends who are some of the best people I've ever known. We have so much fun together and I leave our gatherings renewed in mind and spirit. We hold each other accountable, we encourage personal and spiritual growth, and we genuinely love spending time together.

So how did this all happen?! What changed?? Well, I have a couple of pieces of advice for anyone who is where I was a year ago. I truly know where you're coming from, and while I'm no expert, maybe some of this could help you :)


Take Initiative

A common complaint I hear (and have said) is "The Church doesn't minister to us young people! There are events for high school students, college kids, and married folk...but what about us? There's a gap they're missing and it's so frustrating!"

Yep, that's annoying.

BUT when you think about it, YOU are the Church. YOU are part of the body of Christ. So if YOU feel the need for a new ministry, it might be up to YOU to create something through your parish or with other young adults you know. It can be super intimidating, especially if you don't have the support of your pastor, but you can't always wait around for someone else to address a need you have, sometimes we need to step up and lead!

I'm so grateful for the amazing priests who helped my friends and I meet new people, without them, we wouldn't have any of these relationships. But what it took was stopping our belly-aching and telling them that we had this need, we wanted to address it, and asking for them to help us.


Keep it Simple

When a new young adult group is being created, sometimes there's a tendency to begin with a bible study, or a theological discussion, or or or. But, from my experience, these events can be a.) difficult to just get to know people and b.) intimidating for new people to join and feel comfortable.

We started our "Young Professionals" group by going out for dinner. There were 4 people to start (2 priests, 2 young adults) and each person was instructed to bring at least one friend to dinner. That first dinner brought out 10 people. Then at that dinner, the next dinner date and time was set and everyone agreed to bring a new person. And so on and so on and so on....

Now, we have an email list that goes out to 42 young adults. Yep, 42! Insane! Not everyone comes to dinner each time, and there is a group of about 12 of us who've become close friends, but all of these 42 people have come to a dinner at one point or another! Those of us who wanted to build community did.

Dinner is non-threatening, casual, and hey! Everyone has to eat, right? By starting off simple, authentic friendships can be formed and deeper events can bloom (ex: bible study, silent retreat, etc.).


Don't Give Up!

The desire for community is natural! It is how we were made! God said in Genesis “it is not good for the man to be alone" and this doesn't just relate to marriage! We were made to live in community, so even if it feels like there isn't anyone else who wants to make friends, believe me, they're out there!

I think an important thing to keep in mind is that you aren't just doing this for yourself. This is a ministry for others as well, to serve others in their journey toward striving-to-be-holy community. It really is essential that if God is putting this desire on your heart, which is a GOOD desire, you try to do His will and build community. Yes, you will benefit in the process, but you'll also be serving others like you!

Despite potential frustration, set-backs, or lack of understanding from others that might occur, I encourage you to press on! Don't give up!


I hope some of this helps! Please let me know if I can elaborate or be more clear! And don't hesitate to ask questions! I have been so blessed by the community I've found and want to help anyone I can to do the same!

And for those of you would are part of a thriving young adult community, what has your experience been? What advice do you have? Please share!

Passion, sex, and the Church

I recently heard of a conversation a friend had with a young man who'd made some interesting remarks regarding sex and the Catholic church. This had been sparked by the question of "are you pro-life?" and quickly turned from a question of whether abortion was wrong to why the Church wants to deprive people from experiencing the pleasures of sex.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately and just want to respond to a couple of points that this young man made.


"It seems like the Church just wants to remove passion from sex..."

I can understand why, from the outside, it might look like this. The Church is very firm in her teaching that sex is only to be enjoyed within marriage. But, see what I just said? Enjoyed.

God created sex! And He created it to be pleasurable! He created it this way for us! Sex is pleasurable for a reason: because it is good. However, pleasure always has limits. Dr. Janet Smith gives a talk, Contraception: Why Not?, in which she explains why sex is a naturally good action.

Dr. Smith says:

"There are lots of things that have pleasure attached to them. Pleasure is not the purpose; pleasure is the motive; pleasure is the consequence; but it's not the purpose. As a matter of fact, God attached pleasure to the things that he really wants us to do, that are necessary for our survival and for our happiness. So, it's pleasurable to eat and it's pleasurable to drink and it's pleasurable to sleep and it's pleasurable to exercise, and it's pleasurable to have sexual intercourse. It's pleasurable. That's not the purpose."

And she goes on to say:

"So, God attached pleasure to everything he wanted us to do for, not our salvation, so much, as just our well-being. But we have to do it at the right time, and the right place, and in the right manner, with the right person, etc., etc. — in the right way. Sure, eating is pleasurable, but there are limits to what you should be eating. Sexual intercourse is pleasurable, but there are limits to what you should be doing, and you have to seek that pleasure in accord with the nature and reality of what you're dealing with."

So here's the thing: it's not that the Church is trying to remove pleasure or passion from sex, rather, she simply wants it to be experienced in an ordered fashion.

And who's to say that passion isn't a factor in married sex? Arleen Spenceley recently interviewed a sex therapist who noted that if you're saving sex for marriage, you're likely talking with your significant other about sex issues, and better communication can lead to better sex in the long run.

Sure, if you're aware that you're ovulating and are attempting to avoid pregnancy for a grave reason, being "in the mood" and abstaining is really difficult. This is where the argument for contraception (which is horrible for a woman's body - another topic for another time) comes into play...sex is never off limits and could be viewed as more spontaneous.

However, there's this thing called delayed gratification. Scientifically, depriving yourself from something that you really desire causes more appreciation and enjoyment when you finally are able to experience whatever you were avoiding.

The Natural Family Planning Teacher's Association says that NFP, "because of more frequent communication about intimate sexual matters, increases the relationship skills of love and affection - the expression and experience of love, warmth, and mutual attraction between the couple." 

Well that doesn't sound like the Church desires for married couples to remove passion from sex! Rather, by encouraging NFP and saving sex for marriage, it seems to me that the Church is trying to help married couples enjoy better sex! Interesting!


"But I'm still young...I'm just not sure if I want to give that up..."

Again, I can understand this, to a degree. Especially if one has already experienced the enjoyment of sex, the idea of locking it up until who-knows-when could seem like torture.

Here's something else to think about. Sex is pleasurable, yes? And sex was made to be pleasurable, yes?

Let's assume that I want to get married and intend to stay married for the rest of my life. Let's also assume that I've had a few sexual partners prior to marriage and have therefore experienced the pleasures of sex.

If I've had sex with many different men, if I've been *ahem* pleasured, by many different men, and view sex as simply a means to finding pleasure, who's to say that this attainment of pleasure should stay within marriage? If I see sex as merely a way to pleasure myself, and my husband is no longer pleasuring me, what should keep me from seeking that pleasure elsewhere?

I see this attitude toward sex as being potentially dangerous within a marriage. Society and the Church alike say that sex is an important part to a healthy marriage. However, the difference is that the Church doesn't see sex as the crux of a relationship.

If for some reason, whether it be illness, energy levels, available time, etc., sex doesn't occur as frequently as is ideal or perhaps isn't as pleasurable as one would like, this is not a reason to seek this pleasure elsewhere. Communication about barriers to a preferable enjoyment of sex within marriage is essential during these times!

I think a big part of accepting this teaching of the Church is personal maturity. Someone who is unwilling to "give up" sex is likely not mature enough to consider marriage.

Marriage requires sacrifice. It requires dying to oneself every single day. Someone who is unwilling to sacrifice prior to marriage is likely to be unwilling to sacrifice within marriage.

That's my two cents...what do you think? How would you respond to someone who makes these statements? I'd love to hear your thoughts!

Not Alone Series: Social Media

Our lives tend to revolve around social media and knowing what's happening in everyone's lives. How has this effected your life? In your experience, has social media made dating easier? Harder? 

i.e. not judging something you see about the guy you're dating on Twitter/FB

Jen suggested this topic after the following video was floating around, you guessed it, social media.

Kind of ironic that a video encouraging us to ditch the phones and "constant connections" went viral.

Have you seen it? Did it make you think?

When I first watched this video, I really wanted to throw my (brand new barely had it for a week) phone out the window.
....and 5 minutes later I was texting and checking Instagram as usual.

But I will say this: since seeing this video, I've become more aware of my, and others', usage of technology when in a social setting.

I spent this weekend with my best friends from college. The six of us haven't all been together since a wedding two years ago. Since then, one has been married for nearly 2 year, two got engaged, and one is about to move to Texas. We have TONS to talk about.

So cute!

But you know what kept happening throughout the time we spent together?
Even when the conversation was moving along, somene would be checking her phone.
Occasionally, someone would be texting.
There were even times when we were all silent and some of us were zoned out while the others checked Facebook, Instagram, what have you.

Y'all, we have PLENTY to talk about. Exciting things are happening! We haven't spent this much quality time together in TWO YEARS!

Yet, a portion of our weekend was spent forsaking one another for the glow of our phones.

Now, I'm not perfect. I certainly could learn to leave my phone zipped in my purse more often.
Even during the time that I've been writing this post, I've checked Facebook a couple times.

What is with our constant need to be connected?
Is the world going to crumble if you don't tweet your feelings at.this.very.moment.?
Will your food taste less delicious if you don't first 'gram a picture of it?
What would happen if you didn't text your friend back right.now.?

Yesterday, (Happy Memorial Day!) I went to a barbecue at a friend's house. I had a lot to carry, so when I got out of my car, I put my phone in my purse so I could use both hands for the loot.
And you know what happened?
I got to the party, dropped my purse at the door, got talking, and forgot about my phone for 4+ hrs.

There were a couple times throughout the evening when I thought "oh, I wonder if so-and-so texted me back...oh, I wonder if so-and-so emailed me....oh, I wonder if so-and-so posted pictures from this weekend..."
But despite the ingrained habit of constantly being connected, I was immediately sucked back into the present. Instead, I was able to focus entirely on the person in front of me, to give my undivided attention to them.

I'm sure you know how frustrating it is when the person you're talking to keeps checking their phone. It feels like they don't really care about what you have to say, as if they wish that you'd just shut up already.
Do you know how that feels? I definitely do.

So then, why would I do that to someone else?

I'm making an effort to be more present in the present moment.
Will you join me?

**And in regards to dating and social media, my advice is this:

Googling your date: not a bad thing
Analyzing your date's tagged pictures and freaking out about the girls he has his arm around: bad thing.

Social media can be our friend, but shouldn't replace normal human interaction.

What do you think about social media? How has it influenced your life? What about your dating life?
Link up below!

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Next week's topic:

NAS year in review

June 4th, 2013 was the very first NAS post! How has your life changed in the past year? How has the NAS community impacted you? Where would you like to see the NAS go in the future?

Not Alone Series: Deal Breakers

tsk tsk tsk...tardy for the party again. Ah well, better late than never!

We have all thought about our list of qualities for our future spouse (and maybe even religious community), but sometimes those can be pretty limiting on who God has planned for you. Instead, maybe think about the few things that are so important to you, that if a guy you were considering dating (or community you were entering) didn't have those things, you would have to move on. Why are those things important to you? 

We've talked before about our ideal qualities in a spouse and to be honest, I stand by the ones I chose back then:

1. He must be kind and affectionate

2. He must be intelligent

3. He must be tall (at least 6'0'')

Hmmmm you might notice that "Catholic" isn't on that list. Well, I did have a disclaimer that I was assuming Catholic was a given...but to be honest, I'm not 100% sold on that being a deal breaker.

Before anyone starts flippin' tables, let me explain.

It is extremely important to me that whoever I marry has a strong relationship with the Lord. Being that my faith is such an integral part of my life, I cannot imagine marrying a man who does not understand that part of my identity.

Going into college, I never imagined that I'd ever waver on this part of my "list". I couldn't imagine ever being serious about anyone who wasn't Catholic. But then it happened.

I won't go into the details on this today, but in getting to know a young man who was "just" Christian, and a strong one at that, I began to wonder if I was pigeon-holing myself and not allowing the Lord to have true reign over my love life. After all, if I'm seeking His will, won't He lead me to the man he's prepared for me?

Nothing ever progressed with that guy, but it definitely got me to thinking that I should be open to whoever God had planned for me. This mentality was strengthened when a friend's ex-boyfriend ended up converting to Catholicism because of the exposure to our faith she'd witnessed to him. He is now studying at the Augustine Institute.

And just this past week, I attended a fundraising conference in North Carolina where I met so many amazing Christian men who are on fire for the Lord. I couldn't help but wonder if through situations like this, which I hadn't planned on experiencing originally (I mean, fundraising conference? really? who goes to things like that?), God might just bring my future husband and I together.

Ideally my future husband would be Catholic.
but....ideally I would be married already.

See, our plans don't always go as we expect....so while I will continue my "search" in primarily Catholic circles, I'm also open to whoever the Lord brings into my life. I have past experience with Him changing my plans and His are much better and greater than what I imagined.

So...back to my list. Well, there's definitely one thing I won't waver on: marrying a man who loves the Lord.
Aside from that, he also must be open to life...whatever that means for us. (2 kids? 12 kids? adoption?)
And if I'm pulling from my list above, I'd prefer a tall, kind, affectionate, and intelligent hubby.

But other than those things....well, anything else is negotiable. As long as that foundation of morals and ethics are the same, what else really matters?

If you haven't checked out the other responses to this week's prompt, head on over to Jen's and please link-up your post as well!

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Next week's topic:

Beginning of the Year Goals + Lent!

Remember our first post this year? How are the goals you set going? Regardless of how your goals are going, how are you utilizing this Lent to continue to strive for those goals?

April 8th: Do's and Don'ts of First DatesWhat are those things that we should be doing, and the things that we shouldn't be doing? They can be from the physical parts (clothes to wear, places to go, things to say) or emotional parts (talking about it all the time, planning the future, etc). We can all learn something in hindsight, so what are your tips to share?

April 15th: Selfish SinglesHow do you combat being selfish with your time? As a single person, it's easy to get caught up in our own little independent world. There are those moments when we are needed for extra church things, hanging with our friend's kids, getting caught up with something on the one night you could stay in, etc. where we get frustrated that the needs of others are taking away from our own time. How do you avoid this selfish tendency and what do you do to avoid becoming frustrated with "sharing" you time with others?

April 22nd: MarriageMost of us here feel called to the vocation of marriage...but what is it exactly that you're attracted to? What have you seen in others' marriages that you've learned from or would do differently? (maybe this is from married friends or your parents!)

to the younger singles

**this post is simply an analysis of my own thoughts/feelings, not a response to comments from others**

Something's been bothering me for weeks now and I have to get it off my chest.

Recently, I've felt guilty for feeling sad or upset or forlorn about being single because I'm still "young".

I talk to other women (and men!) who are several years older than I am, and while they lament about their being single and their longing for their vocation, I nod along...completely understanding where they're coming from. I too feel that pain.
But then they look at me and say, "Oh, but you're still so young. You have plenty of time."

Ok, so I'm aware that I'm only 23. (I'll be 24 next month.)

But does that mean that my aching, my longing, for marriage is less valid? 
Does my age mean that I can't possibly comprehend how an "older" single must feel?
Does it prevent me from truly understanding your pain?

Is it because I talk of living in "the now"?
Is it because I attempt to find joy in the everyday, regardless of the fact that my life is not what I expected?
Is it because my "biological clock" still has time?
(By the way, that's totally insensitive to assume. You don't know the details of my biology.)

"You're so young. You have plenty of time."

Friend, that doesn't make me feel any better.
If anything, it makes me question whether or not I can be open and honest with you about my sufferings as I, too, am waiting to live out my vocation. If anything, instead of helping us to grow in solidarity as fellow singletons, I feel bad about my longing for marriage and everything that comes with it because somehow, you seem to be telling me that everything I'm experiencing isn't as bad as it is for you. Because I'm younger.

Now, I must clarify that these feelings of guilt aren't always perpetrated by someone older than myself. Occasionally, someone will express "oh, I thought it was bad when I was single in college/right after college/in my mid-twenties, but now that I'm {insert older age here}, oh, it's unbearable!"
I know they're only sharing their feelings, and they should! I'm glad they feel comfortable enough to express their raw emotions!
But in my head, I think, "oh my gosh, maybe they think that my feelings are silly...maybe they are silly, I mean, I'm not even 25...but I do desperately long for marriage...but if I share that will they think I'm silly?"

Granted, these thoughts can be created just by my own judgement of what I expect others to perceive of me. Though they might have previous experience linked to them, I'm positive that many of my friends who are older than I and unmarried rarely think this about me.
(I would say "never think", but "never" is fairly presumptuous)

But friends, as much as I attempt to live life to the fullest, and I write on this here blog about "living in the now" and "experiencing today"...well, it isn't easy. As much as I do believe all of that, and I pray that even if I am still single at 30, 35, etc. I will hold onto the same hope I have today, living this out isn't simple.
I do not mean to make it sound easy.
Living as a faithful Catholic who's desperately attempting every day to not be bitter and angry about not being married yet is a challenge. Nay, it is a complete struggle.
But if I tend to err on the side of "life is beautiful! go out and experience it!", I must admit that it might be due to the fear of being one of those "younger singles" who thinks her life is so "horrible".

I cringe at the thought of a 30-40-something reading my blog and scoffing at me as I pour out my heart...all because I'm "so young".

So this one goes out to all my young Christian sisters, whether you're in high school or college, in your early 20s or late 30s...if you are unmarried and feel called to marriage, no matter your age, your struggles, your fears, everything you feel is valid. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. And if you want to talk or blog about it, DO IT. We need to grow in solidarity with one another because we are not alone. If every young, single woman waited until she was of an "appropriate" age to begin sharing how much it sucks to be single when you want to be married, well, how would this be helping anyone?

And if you're reading this and thinking "oh man, I'm older than 25 and have likely said that to a younger single before", I encourage you to be better in the future. Embrace your younger single friends.
Help them to see that if life doesn't go according to their expectations, all is not lost.
Show them that life is worth embracing at every age.

Know of my prayers for each and every one of you and your vocations!

Not Alone Series: Valentine's Day

What are your thoughts about Valentine's Day? Do you enjoy it? Loathe it? Not even realize it's a special day? Do you celebrate it in any way? 

I had a hard time starting this post...mostly because I wasn't sure exactly how to translate how I feel about Valentine's Day into words. See, I don't hate Valentine's Day.

I hate that WalMart replaces the New Year's decoration sales with candy hearts and smelly perfume....but that's more of an issue with consumerism than V Day. And I really don't care for how many people seem to take Valentine's Day more seriously than the love that our Lord pours out at every. single. mass.
But again, that's a deeper issue.

No, I don't hate Valentine's Day. Growing up, I loved giving out candy and cards to my classmates. I loved dressing up for our class parties. And even now, I think it's cute when my grandma sends me a Valentine's Day card with a lottery scratch-off. Or when my friends ask me to watch their son so they can go on a pre-Valentine's Day date. Cute. So cute.

I don't mind the lovey-dovey, cuteness factor that Valentine's Day brings.

I suppose my problem with the whole day is how others view single people on February 14th.
The coined "Singles Awareness Day" drives me insane. INSANE. (really? really? every other day of the year you aren't aware that you're single? false.)

Perhaps it's because I'm now in a mental place where I'm happy with my life, but for whatever reason, it makes me crazy when others act sorry for me/other singles. My life is great! I don't need or want your pity! Please!

I was trying to remember what I've done the past few Valentine's Days because only one of them was spent in a relationship (and he said he was falling in love with me....after 2 weeks. EEK! more on that later...)
Last year I went to BWWs with a friend whose husband was in Canada for the weekend...she was pregnant and hungry, I was just hungry.
So we ate among couples and went back to her house and watched The Lorax. Low key. Great.

This year, I did what I do most Friday nights when I don't have plans: cleaned up my apartment and watched P&P on repeat.
I didn't do all of that because I was lonely or alone or sad about being alone or wishing I had a Valentine. No....I was just letting my life go on.
Because at the end of the day, no matter what you and your significant other does on Valentine's Day, what matters more are the other 364 days in the year. Life goes on.
And no amount of chocolate, flowers, or hearts are going to sustain you for the rest of the year!

So I do wish that our society viewed Valentine's Day differently...I wish that when I really wanted to go to the grocery store and get some wine and ice cream on Friday, I didn't second guess myself.
I wish when I walked into Schnucks, I didn't feel like I was being judged as the "lonely single gal" buying a huge bottle of Barefoot and 3 pints of Ben and Jerry's (hey! they were all on sale!)
I'm not lonely. I'm good. I'm content. I'm fulfilled.
And I was also alone on Valentine's Day. So? More wine and ice cream for me :)

What do you think? Link up over at Jen's today with all of the other lovely ladies!

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Last call for Savannah!

We still want YOU to come to Savannah, GA for our girls' weekend! 

{Remember it's July 18-20... still have no idea what I'm talking about? Check this out!} 

Interested, but haven't taken the survey?

TODAY IS THE LAST DAY. 

This guarantees you a spot, helps plan the money situation, etc. 

Please fill it out by 11:59EST TONIGHT! Thank you! 

 AHHH! Jen and I are so freaking excited, you really have no idea.

It's gonna be flippin' amaaaazing!

Also... have you joined the Not Alone Series Facebook Group? Please join if you'd like!

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Next week's topic:

Masculinity

Who is a great example of masculinity in your life (father, brother, uncle, priest, etc)? What is it about them that you love?

March 4th: Bachelorette parties!It's inevitable that we'll attend or plan a friend's Bachelorette party at some point or another, but how do we make them fun without all the raunch? Give us your ideas for fun things to do with a bridal party without all the crazy!

March 11th: Why not both?We've been hearing a lot that "married people and single people can't relate to one another". What is your perspective on this? In what ways can we bridge the gap between singles and marrieds?

March 18th: Single life bucket listWhat are those things that you want to do before you get married (or enter the religious life)? Is there anything that you're excited to do, accomplish, etc. before engagement, marriage, and babies come along? Even if you feel that you've done everything you wanted to do pre-marriage, dig deeper and see if there isn't anything else you'd like to do!

Encouraging Chivalry

Update 9/9/14: This post was linked up as part of the Not Alone Series topic, "Oh so chivalrous!"

Have you read this post by Matt Walsh? It's thought-provoking, FULL of solid Truth, and calls men to action.

I forget in the day-to-day that "chivalry is dead". And actually, I've heard that before and argued with whoever proclaimed it that chivalry IS NOT dead. Unfortunately, however, my perception on this is skewed.

I blame it on all of the awesome men in my life. Holy, God-fearing, women-loving men.
They hold doors, allow women to go before them for communion, help me with my coat, etc.

But what about all of the men who I don't know? Or even more so, what about the women who don't know the men I know?

I can imagine that it would be very discouraging to think that chivalry is dead. How sad.
And how incredibly sad for a woman who desires to have a man be chivalrous, to give up on that dream of a knight in shining armor!

I've read articles and posts where the author says that we need to focus on instilling an expectation of chivalry in our children. We need to raise our boys to be chivalrous and our girls to be accepting and grateful for chivalry.

I agree with this. We must raise our children in this manner.

But what about those of us who aren't raising children? What about the college students? What about the young professionals? Perhaps we must wait until we have children of our own in order to encourage chivalry?

Not at all.
There is so much that we can do to encourage chivalry at all ages and places in life!

For the Men

Chivalrous men! Please continue to be gentlemen. Do not allow the lazy men of today to influence how you act.

Rather, you must be an example to other men. Chivalry begets chivalry. Encourage your boorish friends to be more gallant! If you let a lady have your seat, nudge your buddy to do the same! Hold one another accountable.

Asking your friend to hold the second set of doors while you're holding the first isn't nagging, it's reminding him to be the gentleman he was made to be. Hopefully just seeing you open the first door will give him the push he needs to grab the second one, but better safe than sorry!

Overall, do not allow your less honorable friends to discourage you.
And if ever a lady yells that she doesn't need your help with the door/with her coat/etc. just respond with a smile and a courteous "I didn't do _______ because you're a woman/girl/lady, I did it because I'm a gentleman."
I guarantee she will not know what to say, especially if you remain polite.

Be like Matt and call others to action.


For the Ladies

Alright, ladies, I am certain that many of you appreciate and enjoy chivalry. However, how are you supposed to increase chivalry? I mean, we're mere women...we have no influence on whether or not a "guy" is gentlemanly....right?

Wrong!
The way in which we react to chivalry will influence its longevity.

I encourage you to stop being embarrassed when you encounter a gentleman.
There have been times when a man holds the door for me when I'm a good 20+ strides from the door. Gosh, I feel horrible! I'm ashamed to admit that more often than not, I barely meet his gaze and perhaps I'll give him a sorrowful "thanks!"...all because I feel bad.

Or how many times has a young man surprised you by helping you with your coat? I never expect it, and due to my surprise, I usually give a little laugh and what might be perceived as a sarcastic "thank you".
(when really, I just feel awkward and try to be goofy instead)

Or have you ever neglected to thank the man who is coming out of a building and holds the door as you're entering? It's possible he wouldn't hear me, you think, and besides, it's not like it's a big deal...

I want to encourage you to stop doing this.
Don't stop thanking, but change the way in which you thank.
Stop acting embarrassed when a man treats you like a lady, you ARE a lady! Don't make him feel embarrassed for treating you as such!
And never treat an act of chivalry as "nothing" or else you're feeding into the mindset that chivalry simply doesn't matter.

When a gentleman opens the door for you, pulls out your chair, etc., look him in the eye, give him a warm smile and a grateful "Thank You!"

This is called positive reinforcement. (I know because I have a Psychology degree. BAM.) If we want men to be more chivalrous, we must encourage them to continue their chivalry! Please push past whatever it is that hold you back from appreciating his chivalrous gesture. Like I said before, chivalry begets chivalry. And in this case, a man's encouraged chivalry will lead to his continued chivalry.


Chivalry can be encouraged at all ages.
Gentlemen shouldn't be afraid to behave like gentlemen and ladies shouldn't be ashamed to expect to be treated like ladies.

Strive to be the most authentic you you can be.

Not Alone Series: Vulnerability with Friends

Hello! We're back at my place again this week...Jen has been spending time with her cuter-than-cute nieces, so I'm giving her a break to get settled back into real life :) This week's topic:

Do you find that your non-single friends struggle with relating to you or vice versa? If so, in what ways? How do you handle it? What is something that you would like them to know or understand that they just don't seem to get?

Most of my friends are in serious relationships, engaged, or married. And I love it. (usually) 

I love seeing my girlfriends in fulfilling relationships and I love watching my guy friends navigate the estrogen ocean ;)

Some of them are nearing engagement (exciting!), others are planning weddings (super exciting!!), and a few are married and have little ones whom I love dearly. Learning through my friends and their experiences with love in all different stages of romantic relationships is an invaluable experience.

BUT.

There are many times when they just can't relate to my life and struggles as a single woman.

It's not that they don't try...believe me, they do. They listen and empathize and attempt to give advice, and I appreciate it.
But there's always the voice in the back of my mind saying "you don't really know what I'm going through."

They all met and wed their beloved when they were younger than I.

They were never graduated from college and single and working.

They don't know what it's like to see all of their friends marry and birth babes and wonder when their day will come.

And that's ok, because that's their story, not mine.

However it makes it difficult for having reciprocal friendships.

Because, let's be honest, I can't relate to their complaints of in-laws or video-playing fiances/husbands or sleepless baby-crying nights.

Now, this doesn't go for all of my in-relationship-friends. One of my closest friends is a couple years older than I and she's been single for the entirety of our friendship (5 years). She just began dating this guy (who's great and I totally approve!) a few weeks ago, so while she's dating someone, she can still relate to the struggles I face as a singleton.

I so appreciate having a friend who knows how I feel, even though she isn't in this same place at the moment.

It gives me hope.

She's a testament to the "I know it sucks, but enjoy the ride for now and be patient for the future" mentality
....because she's lived it. Hearing that advice from her means so much more to me than my friend who married straight out of college telling me the exact same thing.

So what's a girl to do?

Should I simply avoid anyone in a relationship until I'm in one myself and we can therefore relate to one another?

Mmmm no.

I think it's important to have friendships with people at all different stages of life.

Authentic, organic friendships should occur between people regardless of your "relationship status".

I like to have a mix.

My single friends help me to know that I'm not alone in feeling the way that I am. And if we're living in true friendships, we're able to help one another through rough patches. We are there for one another in solidarity. We are not alone.

My in-relationship-but-have-been-where-I-am friends are a source of hope and encouragement and affirmation in my feelings as a single woman. They can relate.

My married/engaged friends are such great models of holy romances. They help me to know what I'm truly looking for in a relationship, what matters and what doesn't. And you know what? While they might not be able to relate to my particular situation, they've had struggles of their own. Maybe I can learn from something they've had to deal with!

What about you? Do you struggle having non-single friends and relating to one another? Write a post and link it up below!

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Next week's topic:

Surviving events/parties as a singleton

The holidays are coming up! Family parties, friend gatherings... and you're single. How do you "cope"? Any tips or tricks?

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Just a reminder that we've decided to take a break from the Not Alone Series until January 14, 2014. Feel free to continue to blog about your single life experiences, but we just won't be having anything formal until January!

Not Alone Series: Settling

No one would encourage you to "settle" when it comes to relationships...but would you ever consider it? What are your thoughts on settling in relationships in general?

Great topic this week, no? I love it because it is SO relevant and pertinent in our society today.

And I have a lot of opinions on the subject, so I'll try to formulate my thoughts clearly.

Ok, so settling. Would I ever consider it?

I've considered it. Definitely.

I had a moment with my family on our way to my cousin's wedding this year when we were talking about a relative who's never married. This lead to someone telling me that I better stop being so picky otherwise I'll end up like this relative. That hurt. A lot.
I really don't think I'm that picky...I just know what I want and I know that I'm not willing to bend on certain things.
But despite me knowing all of this, it still led me to wonder if maybe I was too picky.
Maybe that's why I'm single.
Maybe that's why I haven't been on a date in 3 years.
Maybe that's why I've only dated 2 guys.

We all have moments of weakness where thoughts of "my standards are too high" or "no one will ever meet my expectations" or "all the great guys are taken" creep in...which then lead us to thinking/considering that maybe, just maybe, we should lower our standards and be more "realistic".

Well I'm just going to come out and say it: that's a bunch of crap.

Your standards are not too high.

All the great guys are not taken.

Now, it's here that I think we need to understand the difference between our non-negotiable standards and preferences.

Non-negotiable standards are things like good morals, a strong faith, enthusiasm or [at the very least] a willingness to practice NFP and raise children in the Church. We've all got non-negotiables. Some are different than others, some people have more than others.

Preferences, on the other hand, are things like "I like tall guys", "I appreciate good facial hair", "it would be so great to marry someone who can play guitar", etc etc etc. This list could go on and on and on.

The importance behind understanding the difference between your non-negotiables and preferences is that if you are going around thinking that EVERYTHING on your "dream husband laundry list" is non-negotiable, well, then you might think that you're going to have to "settle". But really, while I prefer tall, musical, dark-haired guys, if I meet a guy who is perfect for me in all ways except for the fact that he's my height, blonde, and can't carry a tune in a bucket....well, am I really settling? Because he still sounds pretty great.

So, you might have to be a bit flexible in certain areas. But let me affirm you in this: looking for a chaste, Christ-centered, fun relationship? That is not unrealistic.

Does this make sense? Hopefully...because I'm moving on. :)

Another thing that I think is important when talking about standards and expectations in your future mate is the understanding that your standards/preference might change. What I wanted in a husband when I was 18 is really very different from what I now look for in a potential spouse. Cindy at The Veil of Chastity so eloquently touches on this in her Sexual Attraction post. What you're looking for and are attracted to at 18, 23, or 25, will likely be different! Does that mean that you're settling if you marry someone who your 18, 23, or 25 year-old self would shake their head at? I don't think so.

Even some "non-negotiables" might change slightly. When I first began college, I was convinced that I would never ever ever consider dating a guy who wasn't Catholic. It would be too hard, I told myself, if we got married and he wasn't Catholic. I couldn't do it. But as I've grown in my faith and trust in the Lord, I know that if He calls me to marry a man who is not Catholic, His plan is perfect and it's going to be just fine.
Now, some women will "change" their standards and be more "flexible" because they're simply afraid that they'll never find a holy, Catholic man to marry....that's not ok. Because that's not complete and total trust in the Lord and His goodness.
Don't act in fear. That isn't from the Lord.

Overall, I think the best way to ensure that you don't "settle" is to know yourself and to know Jesus. If you know yourself, who you are, what you need, what your deepest desires are, you won't be tempted to "settle". And if you know Jesus, you'll have the faith and trust to allow Him to guide you and He will not lead you astray.

What do you think? Would you ever settle just for the sake of being with someone? Link up with us over at Jen's blog!

Reminder:
If you would like to have an accountability partner, and haven't emailed us, please do so today!! We will be sending out an email very soon to let you know who your partner is! :)

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Next week's topic:

Fav single-person websites/blogs

Share other single-person blogs or websites that you love! Include posts/articles that you've enjoyed that pertain to the single life, too if you want!

November 12: Vulnerability with friends
Do you find that your non-single friends struggle with relating to you or vice versa? If so, in what ways? How do you handle it? What is something that you would like them to know or understand that they just don't seem to get?

November 19: Surviving events/parties as a singleton
The holidays are coming up! Family parties, friend gatherings... and you're single. How do you "cope"? Any tips or tricks?

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BREAK!

Ladies, we have decided to take a break from the Not Alone Series until January 14, 2014. I know it seems like a long time, but we are coming up on a busy season of travel and family time. We don't want to take away your time from what's most important. Feel free to continue to blog about your single life experiences, but we just won't be having anything formal until January.