Monday, March 10, 2014

to the younger singles

**this post is simply an analysis of my own thoughts/feelings, not a response to comments from others**

Something's been bothering me for weeks now and I have to get it off my chest.

Recently, I've felt guilty for feeling sad or upset or forlorn about being single because I'm still "young".

I talk to other women (and men!) who are several years older than I am, and while they lament about their being single and their longing for their vocation, I nod along...completely understanding where they're coming from. I too feel that pain.
But then they look at me and say, "Oh, but you're still so young. You have plenty of time."

Ok, so I'm aware that I'm only 23. (I'll be 24 next month.)

But does that mean that my aching, my longing, for marriage is less valid? 
Does my age mean that I can't possibly comprehend how an "older" single must feel?
Does it prevent me from truly understanding your pain?

Is it because I talk of living in "the now"?
Is it because I attempt to find joy in the everyday, regardless of the fact that my life is not what I expected?
Is it because my "biological clock" still has time?
(By the way, that's totally insensitive to assume. You don't know the details of my biology.)

"You're so young. You have plenty of time."

Friend, that doesn't make me feel any better.
If anything, it makes me question whether or not I can be open and honest with you about my sufferings as I, too, am waiting to live out my vocation. If anything, instead of helping us to grow in solidarity as fellow singletons, I feel bad about my longing for marriage and everything that comes with it because somehow, you seem to be telling me that everything I'm experiencing isn't as bad as it is for you. Because I'm younger.

Now, I must clarify that these feelings of guilt aren't always perpetrated by someone older than myself. Occasionally, someone will express "oh, I thought it was bad when I was single in college/right after college/in my mid-twenties, but now that I'm {insert older age here}, oh, it's unbearable!"
I know they're only sharing their feelings, and they should! I'm glad they feel comfortable enough to express their raw emotions!
But in my head, I think, "oh my gosh, maybe they think that my feelings are silly...maybe they are silly, I mean, I'm not even 25...but I do desperately long for marriage...but if I share that will they think I'm silly?"

Granted, these thoughts can be created just by my own judgement of what I expect others to perceive of me. Though they might have previous experience linked to them, I'm positive that many of my friends who are older than I and unmarried rarely think this about me.
(I would say "never think", but "never" is fairly presumptuous)

But friends, as much as I attempt to live life to the fullest, and I write on this here blog about "living in the now" and "experiencing today"...well, it isn't easy. As much as I do believe all of that, and I pray that even if I am still single at 30, 35, etc. I will hold onto the same hope I have today, living this out isn't simple.
I do not mean to make it sound easy.
Living as a faithful Catholic who's desperately attempting every day to not be bitter and angry about not being married yet is a challenge. Nay, it is a complete struggle.
But if I tend to err on the side of "life is beautiful! go out and experience it!", I must admit that it might be due to the fear of being one of those "younger singles" who thinks her life is so "horrible".

I cringe at the thought of a 30-40-something reading my blog and scoffing at me as I pour out my heart...all because I'm "so young".

So this one goes out to all my young Christian sisters, whether you're in high school or college, in your early 20s or late 30s...if you are unmarried and feel called to marriage, no matter your age, your struggles, your fears, everything you feel is valid. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. And if you want to talk or blog about it, DO IT. We need to grow in solidarity with one another because we are not alone. If every young, single woman waited until she was of an "appropriate" age to begin sharing how much it sucks to be single when you want to be married, well, how would this be helping anyone?

And if you're reading this and thinking "oh man, I'm older than 25 and have likely said that to a younger single before", I encourage you to be better in the future. Embrace your younger single friends.
Help them to see that if life doesn't go according to their expectations, all is not lost.
Show them that life is worth embracing at every age.

Know of my prayers for each and every one of you and your vocations!


  1. Thank you for posting this, Morgan!

  2. Thank you so much for this Morgan! I think it's something we all feel as 'young' singles, but rarely voice. The ache of singleness is just that - a ache - no matter what age we are. Single women of different ages can learn so much from each other once that fear of judgement is out in the open.


  3. I've already told you how much I love this. But, I will say it here, too. A to the MEN, sister! AMAZING!

    And, love you.

  4. Hello. I read your blog, and I want to let you know that it's ok to feel the way you do. Everyone carries their cross in different ways. I am in my late 20's and am still single. I have those feelings from time to time but not as much when I was younger. Even relatives ask me when I will get married when I don't even have a boyfriend because my sister and cousins got married. I feel that at they end of the day if you love your work, volunteer, and keep close to God then you are in the greatest relationship.

  5. Hi, Morgan! Thank you so much for writing this! I think you are awesome for putting this out there. As a slightly older/mid-range single (29 this week!), I've been on both sides. It became sort of like an Examen for me...have I ever in my thoughts or words (spoken or written), and actions ever done this? I hope not to another person directly or online, but I do confess to thinking it sometimes, and want to seek forgiveness for that. It's no excuse, but I think human brokenness and maybe even a bit of envy ("oh, they have so much time/many opportunities that I don't, anymore") or projection ("oh, she knows what she wants so young! she won't make the same mistakes I did" or "I regret the years"). So I am truly sorry. Suffering is suffering, no matter your age or stage. I know when my single friend who has ten years on me lightheartedly remarks I've got it better because of my youth, I know it comes from her as a misguided act of love ("she's complimenting me!"), but it did make me feel weird about complaining again. I am doing better at trying to see the possible pain behind the comment and try to build her up. Kudos to you for the call for us all to build each other up!

  6. I am just reading this now and OHMYGOODNESS did you read my mind?!?!?! Sometimes I feel ridiculous talking about singleness/marriage/babies, but you know what? Like you said, those feelings are valid no matter your age. Thank you for saying that! My heart goes out to anyone feelings this, no matter the age. It's so stinking hard sometimes, and it's healing to be able to talk about it with you all :-)


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