growing in virtue: vulnerability

I had a dream a few nights ago in which my husband was with me. He asked me to dance and I felt more loved and complete than I ever have. Just thinking about it now makes my heart flutter.

I know that I shouldn't wait around feeling like I'm missing a part of myself, and thinking that a man will make me feel "whole". And I assure you, I don't...for I know that only the Lord and being in full communion with The Church can bring that "wholeness". And I do believe that one should be content in who they are in their own before venturing into a new relationship because attempting to fill a God-sized hole in your heart with a human just won't work.

But all of this doesn't completely take away the longing for union with one's spouse. Receiving the sacraments and praying takes the edge off, but that nagging ache is still there. And its so hard because in my experience, people's advice has been to pray for your husband and offer up your suffering for him. And I do that, and it is fruitful.

But I have another solution.

Letting God into all of the hurt, the anger, the loneliness...our God is big enough to take it!
Yell, cry, beg, whatever it takes to SHOW Him how you truly feel.
So often, I think we don't say outright how we truly feel to the Lord because we either assume that He already knows (which He does), we think we can't be mad at him and show him our raw emotions (we can) or we believe that by opening up to our Savior and not pushing down those emotions, we're weak (we're not).

Yes, our Lord already knows how we feel, but I truly believe that He wants us to admit it to Him. Just like a wife might know that her husband loves her, she still wants to hear it from him.

Perhaps we shouldn't have a rage fest in Adoration, but telling Him "I'm mad at you" isn't a sin...as long as that doesn't cause you to turn away from Him...and in fact, I've found that only after I sob myself silly and tell Him that I'm frustrated with Him can I get over it. By identifying and declaring exactly what your problem is, you will be able to work on it and heal. Pushing your hurt under the rug isn't helping you to grow into the woman your husband deserves.

And being vulnerable with our Lord isn't at all a sign of weakness, but rather strength! Reaching out for help is not anything to be ashamed of, especially when our Lord is the greatest doctor of all! To think that asking for help is a sign of weakness is like saying that an alcoholic who is seeking treatment is weak! Of course not! In fact, most people would commend their strength in finding healing! So why is that not true with God?

Praying for others, especially your husband, is beautiful and selfless. However, if we don't seek to fix our own problems, if we don't seek to fill our own cups, how are we to ever be prepared to give to our husbands? I often have to remind myself that there's a reason why my husband and I haven't found one another yet. And the only logical explanation is that its because either he's not ready or I'm not ready. So why not make best of this time and prepare? Especially in this time of Advent, let us take the example of Joseph and Mary as they prepared for the coming of our Lord. And so too should we take on the mantle of our Mother and prepare our hearts for receiving our husbands.