Not Alone Series: Discernment

Welcome back to the second week of the Not Alone Series! 

This week we're talking about Discernment and linking up over at Jen's! 

Today I'm going to give you peek into my personal discernment. 

Ahhh discernment.

"Discernment"

That word.

Until I went to college, became involved at the Newman Center, and delved further into my faith, I'd never heard the word.

"Discernment"

It holds such weight. Maybe not in all circles, but in my Catholic circle, it was almost a level of status.

Those who had discerned.

Those who were discerning.

Those who had not yet begun discerning.

I didn't like it, and I still don't. So I hesitate to ever say the words "I've discerned into marriage" because

a) you're not fully "discerned" until you've taken vows, whether they be to another person or through ordination/entering an order (cliche, yet true)

b) it seems to carry such status

But it's true. It's a long story, but long story almost-short, fall semester of my sophomore year I realized that I was really horrible at objectifying the opposite sex. I remember thinking about how we hear women saying all the time that men look at women like they're pieces of meat...yet was I any better when I got to the first day of class early just so I could scope out the hotties? Um nope.

I made it my mission to see men as "Brothers in Christ" above all else. Not potential prospects, boyfriends, etc.

Just Brothers in Christ.

That was really helpful in every area of my life and gradually led into deeper prayer about what vocation I was made for. Essentially, I felt ready to begin that process because I desired to more purposefully prepare myself immediately for whatever the Lord had in store. 

I began to allow my heart to be opened in ways that I never thought possible and gave Him a sliver of my heart at a time. But I always felt like I was holding something back, and I knew that it was the part of me that didn't want to give up my life-long dream of being a wife and a mother.

I think this something that many women (and men, but opposite...) struggle to let go of. And it most certainly was for me. Perhaps it was also the sense of me losing control (I've recently realized that I really like a structured life) and that scared me spitless.

But over time, the call of the Lord to give Him EVERYTHING (not just the pieces of my heart that I was willing to part with) broke down my walls and I found myself laying it all before the cross.

FINALLY, I had opened my heart and let go in order for God to take over my life completely.

You see, He loves us so much that He'll never force anything upon us. We always have free will and always have to make the conscious decision to choose Him.

I found true freedom in choosing His will over my own.

Have you ever had a moment when you felt God speaking into your heart? 

For me it isn't a big booming voice, but a feeling injected straight into my soul. A knowing.

Some time after allowing Him to do whatever He willed, I felt that agape love encompass my heart in a way that I can only translate as Him holding me as a small daughter and saying:

"My child, you know I love you, and I would keep you for myself if I could. But because I love you so, I'm willing to give you away to the one I'm preparing for you."

(as the Father of the Bride weeps tears of joy and undying love, this is how I picture our Heavenly Father in this moment) 

Wowza. 

I'll admit, there are times when I question my recollection of these occurrences and almost fear that I'm actually called to religious life. Despite the beauty I've seen in religious, I've always had a personal aversion to the idea of me entering an order. But other than the rush of peace that I finally found when I gave it all over to Him, what keeps me calm and out of a 1/4th life crisis is that He so powerfully intervened and seemingly handed me His will the first time that as long as I continue to be open to whatever He throws at me, if His plans change, I'll know it.

Until then, I'm staying on this path.

Hokay, this is getting long. Final thoughts on discernment:

Above all, I believe it is most important to make yourself entirely and wholly open to the Lord's will. Like I said before, He won't force you into anything, but whatever He has planned will make you the happiest, most complete version of yourself. Sooooo it's definitely best to let Him take the reins. 

I mean, He created you, right?

Therefore He knows the deepest, most ardent desires of your heart and only wants your every happiness.

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Head over to Jen to link up your discernment post and to read other writings on anything and everything about discernment!

Next week's topic:

Prayer

How do you pray? Tips to staying disciplined? Give us anything you've got!

Please email any topic suggestions to mvmcfar(at)gmail(dot)com or jennifer.rn(at)gmail(dot)com
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