waterworks

When I was younger, I was not a crier. In fact, I would laugh at my mom for crying during a movie. The only exception to my lack of emotion was when we watched "A Walk to Remember"...pretty sure it took twice as long to watch that one because we kept stopping it to calm down...and we went through a full box of kleenex...

But truly, ask anyone...I did not cry.

That all changed when I left for college.

All of the sudden, a commercial like this would come on...

...and I would be a blubbering mess.

Thus another one of my manymanymany theories about the mystery of life.

I have a theory that when you leave for college, or move out on your own, something changes inside of you. Emotions are high, there are a lot of changes that you have to deal with, but at the same time, you want to be grown-up and mature and so you bottle those emotions as best you can. However, they're still there and you have to deal with them in some way and that's when the whole crying-for-no-reason phenomenon comes in.

Hey, don't take my word for it...there are plenty of people who I can point your towards to back my theory up.....actually, I only have one other person who I know that this theory is true for, but whatever. I'm juuuuust saying....

Now excuse me while I pull myself together....that Jif commercial really did me in...

ohhhh Juliet....

Have you seen Letters to Juliet?
It's great.
You should watch it.

However, if you haven't seen it and intend to/don't want me to ruin the plot for you...stop reading.

Major spoilers ahead.

In the movie, there is a common theme of the "leading lady", Sophie, struggling with her current relationship.
This theme is even apparent in the trailers...and of course, she gets swept away in an adventure and meets another man blah blah blah.
But while Sophie is with this initial man, you can tell that there is an inner struggle between what she EXPECTS her relationship to be, what she WANTS her relationship to be, and what her relationship ACTUALLY IS.

The writers make it very clear that while Sophie longs to have a different type of relationship with her fiance, she doesn't want to push him, doesn't want to request a change, and simply wants him to be happy...and in the meantime, these actions (or inactions) cause her unhappiness. And as much as I think that we can all sit back and watch the movie and say to ourselves (or in my case, outloud to everyone in the room)

"What is she doing?! She LOVES him but he's not a mind-reader! She should be more vocal about what it is that she truly wants!"

...easier said than done, yes?

Now, I don't claim to be an expert on relationships, especially given that I have limited experience in that area. However, having a degree in Psychology, I do think that I am somewhat of an expert on humans and human social interactions.

[[[ I would even argue that we ALL are experts on humans, given that we are humans, but I digress... ]]]

And throughout my 22 years of living on this planet and observing human behavior, it's easy and somewhat elementary to state that men and women have different styles of communication. 

Truth. Plain and simple.

But in these differences in communication styles and perceptions of others and how they are receiving our communication, I believe that women tend to over think...especially in romantic relationships.

There are definitely exceptions to [nearly] every rule, but this is a common one that I've seen.

Women often desire something in a relationship, but when presented with an option for that thing that they desire, they will often say that they actually do not want that...whether the reason behind that reaction is for fear of being too demanding or needy, or for fear of upsetting their husband/BF because maybe that's not what HE wants...women often submit, even when they're just submitting to their own internal fears.

Did that make sense? Let me give an example:

In the movie, Sophie clearly feels neglected and so obviously desires to spend more time with her fiance. Yet, while vacationing in Italy, her fiance wants to be touring vineyards and meeting with prospective vendors for his upcoming restaurant opening. This could be fun, I guess...but that's not what Sophie wants to do. Not exactly a romantic vacation. BUT when she gives her fiance the hint that maybe all of this isn't what she wants to do...and he says "nevermind, we don't have to do this...we can just do something else", she says "no no no, it's ok...just leave me here in Verona (the most romantic city in the world) by myself and have fun at a wine auction" because she doesn't want to force him to do what she wants to do.

[[[paraphrasing above if you didn't notice...]]] 

What the heck.

I mean, how is the guy (who's not super perceptive to begin with) supposed to know that you ACTUALLY want to hang out with him if you don't tell him?! I'm not saying that, as women, we should have to spell everything out to our husbands/boyfriends/fiances, BUT if you want something to be different, you can't just sit and wait for it to change. COMMUNICATION people! It's pretty simple.

Not really sure what the purpose of me writing about this is, but I just watched this movie again and it made me realize how many times I've seen this happen in the real world...so yeah.

that's all I have to say about that.

frens

This post is suuper long, you've been given fair warning!

frens [fr-eh-ns]
noun
1. a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard
2. aka "friends"

I've been thinking a lot about "frens" the past couple days...I would say that I have a good number of them, but then the question is posed: "What is a friend?" Especially in today's media culture, the word "friend" is used so loosely...you could be "friends" with someone who you've only met once, but because you have looked through their photos, read their wall posts/status updates, and perhaps have chatted a couple times, you may develop a feeling of false closeness.

However, I would argue that this phenomenon of "false closeness" can occur even with people who you know within certain social groups or functions. I've seen it happen with people who I know...and it is especially common within large groups of people who are of different ages but also are emotionally accessible to one another constantly. But throughout my years of "expertise" with friendships and my Psychology analytic training - for I will always be a psychologist/behaviorist at heart - I have come up with "Degrees of Closeness: Looking at Friendship Levels", a title of an unofficial social observation study which I just made up but these "theories" and opinions are totally legit - aka I believe the following.

"Degrees of Closeness: Looking at Friendship Levels"

Morgan McFarlin, Unaffiliated

     Humans are social beings. Duh. But levels with which we are social with one another can vary immensely. And with our ever-changing media culture, the word "friend" has become very vague. What does it mean to be a "friend"? Shouldn't there be a list of criteria that someone would need to meet before they can be considered a "friend"? Why yes, there should be. But look no further!

Levels of Friendship

1. An Acquaintance

This is a friend who you have either just met or have seen a few times. You know their name, perhaps their major and year in school, but you don't really KNOW them. You may even be "Facebook Friends", but in the real world, you aren't considered friends.

REAL LIFE EXAMPLE

A and I were introduced at a church function, we chatted in a group for a few minutes before moving on to the activities planned for the night. The next time I saw him, I said "Hi" and I might even say hello were we to run into one another on campus, but I don't really KNOW him.

2. A Friend

This is a friend who you know on a slightly deeper level than an acquaintance. This is a person who you may have something in common with such as work or classes. You may see them on a regular basis, chat with them about whatever, but you don't ever really "hang out". You might not even really consider them a friend, but you get along and you enjoy their company, however brief or infrequent it is. When talking about them you may refer to them as a friend, but then correct yourself, for example: "My friend Kelsey from work...well, I guess we're not technically friends..." You may correct yourself because while they're definitely more than an acquaintance, the word "friend" just doesn't seem to fit quite right.

REAL LIFE EXAMPLE

H and I met while working together at Einstein's Bagels on ISU's campus. We worked one shift/week together and semi-bonded over both being Psych majors. We would discuss classes and professors and grades. In our final semester at ISU, we were in the same Operant Bx lab and sat next to each other/talked about surface level things. We got along, she was nice and funny...but we never hung out outside of work/class.

3. A Close Friend

This is a friend who you know and they know you - on a deeper level. Perhaps you have a couple inside jokes or maybe you just had a heart to heart one time...somehow you two bonded. It could be that you needed a shoulder to cry on and they were that shoulder. They would be considered a "friend" in your book. However, as close as you two may be, your friendship may not be the most consistent or strong. That's not to say that you don't enjoy one another's company, but this bond isn't one that will necessarily stand the test of time. Additionally, most of your time together may be spent within a group of people...there may be occasions when just the two of you hang out, but that's not the usual situation.

~

This category can be blurry at times because it is a spectrum. With people in this stage of friendship, you may feel closer with them at some points and less close at others. In other words, not all "Close Friends" are equal...there are some which you are closer with and others you are not, but they all fall into the same category.

REAL LIFE EXAMPLE

Through being involved with the Newman Center, I have many close friends. One in particular, K, is a couple years younger than me and over the 2 years we have known one another, we have a few inside jokes, and I like to play with her hair and make her laugh. She's sweet and I enjoy her company. However, while we have many mutual friends, we rarely end up hanging out with one another on the weekends, unless if it is Newman related.
~

Another close friend is S. He's one of my favorite younger kids and I think he's great. I don't know him too well, but what I know, I like. He hangs out with some of my friends, so we occasionally find ourselves in the same group hanging out.
~

One more. A is a year older than me and is super cute. She is always so full of joy and I admire her for that. In the beginning of this school year, we were both helping out with move-in. Most of her friends weren't back on campus yet and I tend to be an open book, so we spent about a week eating lunch together and swapping boy issues stories. We got to know each other on a whole different level, but really only one aspect of our lives. She talked about her new romance while I commiserated over a boy that I was trying to get over. We still talk once in awhile when she's in town and I would say that we're relatively "close", but I don't call her up on the phone or make plans to see her when I go home for the weekend.

4. A Best Friend

This is a friend who you have been through things with. This is a friend who KNOWS you. They know who you are, not just facts about you. This is a friendship in which if/when something is wrong, you try to fix it because the friendship is valuable. When a best friend does something that you didn't expect, especially if it is troublesome to you, you want to talk it out, figure out how to deal with whatever happened. This is a friend who you wouldn't hesitate to call at 3AM if you need them because you know that they'll be ok with you calling. This is a friend who you want to be friends with forever. Whether or not that happens, they are important enough to you that you want them to be in your life in the future.

REAL LIFE EXAMPLE

C and I have known each other since Freshman year of college and we now live together. We've definitely had our rough patches, usually her being upset about something that I've done...oops...but because our friendship is important to the both of us, we work it out. We talk it out. When she moved to CO for the summer, we kept in contact and talked on the phone [even though she HATES the phone] a couple times a month. She is someone who I KNOW and she KNOWS me. When I'm upset, she can tell. When she's had a bad day, I know it. Her and I are BFFs [screw the cliche] and I know that I can count on her.
**update: C just moved to TX and we still talk...and she's gotten over her phobia of phonecalls**

With my experience, I also know that issues arise when 2 people agree [without saying it outright] that they are friends, but without knowing, have placed one another in different levels. And in doing so, have also assumed that the other has placed them in the same level. [AKA I placed C in Level 4 and assumed that she has also placed me in Level 4, while without my knowledge, she has actually put me into Level 2] While this may never become an issue, it goes without saying that there are different requirements of obligation that go with each level. For example, a friend in Level 1, 2, or maybe even 3 could get away with not knowing that it was your birthday and neglecting to text/wish you a "Happy Birthday"...however a friend in Level 4 would be in biiiiig trouble should he/she not follow protocol and wish you a "Happy Birthday". This may be when problems come up and fights occur because one friend feels shafted by the other, while the other didn't know that they were subject to these requirements.

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Now, while these may seem too clinical and clean cut [although I know that they aren't always as slice and dice as we'd like them to be], this is what I have compartmentalized my own experiences into, take what you like and leave what you don't. This isn't like the Church...here, you can pick and choose what to agree with ;) This was super long, but it's something that's been on my mind and if nothing else, it's now on "paper" for me to remember and reflect on at a later date.

Have a splendid day and joyful tomorrow!